I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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