Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
