In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
