The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
