well I can't set my house on fire every night
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?