I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
