Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
