My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
