I must be too annoying 4 u.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Randomize
