i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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