HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
