well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
All I want is dick and wine.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
