I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
