The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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