High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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