I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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