Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
