I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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