it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
