and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
