My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
