hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
