im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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