this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
