Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
