If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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