highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Randomize
