Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
