Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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