Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
