That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
