This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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