Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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