I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
