Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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