He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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