i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
