I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
