I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
