can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
