Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
