apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
