I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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