Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
