I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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