My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
