I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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