The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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