How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
