go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
