We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
