I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
