he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
