she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
