The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
