You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
