I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
be right there i have to get my cape
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
